We honeymooned in Wisconsin, on our wedding night and thereafter, my bride moved toward me romantically, but I withdrew, I would intimate to her that I did now want sex. My mind was conflicted with thoughts of love and thoughts of bitterness; my feelings were split between lack of intimacy and coldness. My face and the tone of my voice could create the effect on her that I wanted without ever being totally open about the deeper recesses of my mind and will. Sin was my anger. Sin was in my deception.
She wanted us to see a counselor. We
did for a few times that first year, but I did so quite grudgingly.
Marriage in revealing. If only I had eyes to see the sin in just
about every area of my life...This dance of withdrawal and approach
contiznued on-and-off to this day. But withdrawal was always at least
beneath the surface, hibernating until the next painful episode. She
knew that we were pushing apart.
This began years of anxiety and
depression, of counseling and
journaling, of little steps and painful
talks and looking at the ugliness inside myself that I had never
known was there.
I was learning about my own need to be
seen – and to see myself – as someone other than who I really
was. She drew a little diagram that I have to this day, illustrating
how certain people view themselves as either the inflated superior
being or the worthless empty person no one could love.
Confession really is good for the soul.
The soul is healed by confession. I tried to pretend before the
church that I was a better husband than I was. Sin divided my will; I
wanted closeness, yet I wanted to inflict pain when I felt hurt. As
long as I keep pretending, my soul keeps dying. I don't just pretend
in front of other people. I pretend with G-d. Sometimes we ask for
forgiveness, but we know full well we will go back to the same sin
tomorrow. We don't really want forgiveness; we just want to get out
of trouble. It would be better to pray truth: “Dear G-d, I sinned
yesterday, I sinned again today, and I'm planning to go out and do
the same sin tomorrow. In Y'Shuas' name, Amen.
The soul intergrates the will and mind
and body. Sin disintegrates them. My will, which was made to rule my
body, becomes enslaved to what my body want. I disintegrate my
thoughts from the reality. Sin eventually destroys y capacity even
for enjoyment, let alone meaning. It distorts my perceptions,
alienates my relationships, inflames my desires, and enslaves my
will.
The biggest difference between our
maturity levels is that I thought I was far more mature than I was.
When I think I am the smartest person in the room, I am in the wrong
room. I love my wife, except for when she did something that bothered
me, something that didn't fit perfectly with my idealized, When she
would do something I didn't like – when she disagreed too
vehemently or I felt as if she was getting too directive – I would
feel something turn cold inside of me. I would distance myself from
her by making less eye contact and speak a little coldly.
My busy soul got attached to the wrong
things, because I mistake my clutter for life, preoccupied with
externals – ceaseless activity, lifestyle, gossip, more money, and
very ittle social life. Clutter is maybe the most dangerous result,
because it's so subtle, my house is fulled with clutter.
To be able to move forward to wholeness
one needs to place one hand on their chest over the heart and asked
G-d to bring wholeness to their soul. The soul is what intergrates,
what connects, what binds together your will, then your mind (those
thoughts, feelings, and desires going on all the time), and then your
body (with all of its appetites, habits, and behavior). G-d designed
us so that our choices, our thoughts and desires, and our behavior
would be in perfect harmony with each other and would be powered by
an unbroken connection with G-d, in perfect harmony with Him and with
all of His creation. A divided life is a wounded life, and the soul
keeps calling us to heal the wound.
We might be living in a body, or in a
context of a career or family or community or service, there is a
soul that integrated our whole person – will, mind, and body - into
an “unceasing spiritual being with an eternal destiny in G-d's
great universe – take an interest in this internal life...take a
diligent interest and stewardship of this life that G-d has
breathed...this soul. I don't know about you, but I need for someone
from time to time to wake up the “Maddie in me” and remind me to
make sure that I am doing what the Creator of this life tells me to
so that the life He gave me will continue to grow.
What one needs to stay spiritually
healthy is eliminate hurry out of your life and practice the
discipline
of not having to have the last word.
Being right is actually a very hard burden t be able to carry
gracefully and humbly. One of the hardest things in the world is to
be right and not hurt other people with it.
Your eternal destiny is not cosmic
retirement; it is to be part of a tremendously creative project,
under unimaginable splendid leadership, on an inconceivably vast
scale, with ever-increasing cycles of fruitfulness and enjoyment –
that is the prophetic vision which 'eye has not seen and ear has not
heard.'
My wife.s point of feelings: Why do I
get jealous of other pastors who are more successful than I am? Why
do I feel a deep, secret loneliness! Why is it that I have a BA. in
Biblical studies, graduating with Summa Cum Laude feeling the more I
learn the more I find I do not know? I still do not know who I am.
But then I remember the most important thing in our lives is not what
we do; it's who we become and that is what we will take into
eternity. We are an unceasing spiritual being with an eternal destiny
in G-d's great universe. How is my soul doing, that's the most
important question we should be asking ourselves. Your soul is not
just something that lives on after your body dies. It's the most
important thing about you. It is your life.
We speak of the eyes being the window
to the soul. Scientist say the eyes can reveal our inner thoughts.
For instance, when people are doing hard mental work, their pupils
dilate, pupils widen when look at beautiful nature pictures. We each
have an outer life and an inner one. My outer self is the public,
visible me. My inner life is where my secret thoughts and hopes and
wishes live. Because my inner life is invisible, it is easy to
neglect. No one has direct access to it, so it wins no applause –
we need to master our inner life.
Take care of the soul because of this
tiny, fragile, vulnerable, precious thing about you called your soul
is who you really are. You are a soul made by G-d, made for G-d, and
made to need G-d, which means you were not made to be
self-sufficient. What is running your life at any given moment is
your soul. Not external circumstances, not your thoughts, not your
intentions, not even your feelings, but your soul. The soul is that
aspect of your whole being that correlates, integrates, and enlivens
everything going on in the various dimensions of the self. The soul
is the life of human beings.
Your soul connects your thoughts and
your sensations and your gratitude and your will and sends a message
to your entire being. To understand the parts of the inner life, each
one must be healthy and working as G-d intended it to work. If your
soul is healthy, no external circumstance can destroy your life. If
you try to improve your soul by willpower, you will exhaust yourself
and everyone around you. The mind of sinful man is death, but the
mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.
Our soul is capacity to integrate all
the parts into a single, whole life. The soul seeks harmony,
connection, and integration,. The human soul seeks to integrate our
will and our mind and our body into an integral person. And the soul
seeks to connect us with other people, with creation, and with G-d
Himself – who made us to be rooted in Him.
The soul is the deepest part of us, and
it is whole person we become. The soul is what integrates our will
(intentions), our mind (thoughts and feelings, our values and
conscience), and our body (face, language, and actions) into a single
life. A soul is healthy – well ordered – when there is harmony
between these three entities and G-d's intent for all creation. When
you are connected with G-d and other people in life, you have a
healthy soul. What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and
forfeit his soul? Our wold has replaced the word soul with the word
self, the more we focus on selves, the more we neglect our souls.
