Transparency

I go to Christian ladies meetings every three months. I serve and ministers were needed, then I disappear. We meet in a barn, which was my choice, for homes portray whom the people are, and is confiding, not an easy escape. Where a barn is open and one with nature, a save place, and I am freer to touch the heart of G-d.
See I have a problem with people praying over me, I can give but not receive. People have started to take notice, and do to a letter I received from a friend, who was sending it to someone else, sent me on a sleepless nights trying to annualizing why I am that way. Guess it is time to deal with this issue.
Love didn’t have a place in childhood and touching meant pain. Now I have overcome the touching as long as it is short and sweet, then it is like a greeting and not considered affection, but love is a four letter word that really meant being used. I was told I was unlovable to often and soon believe it was true, for I did not even love myself. My child doesn’t even say he loves me, so nothing has changed.
As long as I could remember I had a death wish, and ask G-d to take me home were I felt loved, for there was nothing left here on earth I cared to experience, and felt I had seen it all. He said “No, for I had not known love yet.” Well figured I would die a very old lady if I had to wait for that. I no longer have a death wish but maybe my time is come up since I am now going to deal with the issue. I walk into a place and see people as potential enemies that could hurt me so I keep my distance, even in family gatherings for they bite harder.
I’ve change churches, gatherings when it gets uncomfortable and people get to close. My circle is very small and only the ones who have been tested and tried have been allowed in.
I need to change my attitude and see people as potential accountancies that could become friends.
I need to stop running and stand firm, giving others a chance and see were the ball bounces.
Reprogramming one’s mind is not an easy thing, but not impossible with the Father’s help.
Come out of the negative into the positive.
Likes or dislikes is personal chooses and if one chooses not to accept me than the Good Book says to dust off the bottom of your feet and move on.
So “Father, I ask You to keep this to the forefront of my mind, and help me stay on the right path until it becomes a way of life for me. Help me not to get easily offended, become an overcomer of this issue. Help me become whom You meant to be.”