Healing Memories

Pain/ Stress/ Offences/ Anxiety
Examples give from long-lived and tormenting trauma memories including:
Adversary, what was done, the affects it took, and your reaction.
Testimony: I have lived in this realm for 62 years. I had several memories of trauma experiences at home, work and personal life associated with various places and times. I tried not to look at it because it triggered the wound. But if it helps another I will pass through this door. Many of my memories are contaminated by associations with pain or failure and are robbing me of my joy and stealing my dreams and large portions of my history as well as my future. My past and my memories of pain, shame and failure are holding me back. This is probably another way of saying that I had ungodly ties to time, people or land at each of the trauma points in my life. I can cut the ungodly ties to the dimensions but how do I deal with the memories?
Parents - lacked nurturing, one can not give what they did not possess. This resulted in low self teem for me, it leaves one hiding behind many mask they now put on. My reaction many years later was to remove the mask one by one, and found myself lost, for I could play any part assign to me and lost to whom I was meant to be. I am still searching.
Discipline went beyond spanking to beatings that drew first blood. This leaves one harden to survive and dreaming of drawing the second blood. I killed all emotions in my body and stop crying at the age of seven, no matter what happen I did not react – I was invisible and did not exists. There was no one home behind those dark sunken eyes. This went on until I turn 40 and ran into a brick wall call menopause. G-d open up the water fountain and forgot to turn it off.
When D day came, (pay back time) I struggled for I seemed to have good and evil sitting on my shoulders – which one to choose – this time I choose right and let offender live.
In 2007 I had ran out of blood (literally) and only bled water – enough was enough!
Locked in close areas for hours on end makes one claustrophobic, and afraid of their own shadow, let along the buggy man who dwelled in the closet. One may become submissive to prevent it from happing or defiant, I choose the latter and made peace with the surrounding darkness, for I went through a life time of hiding.
Verbal abuse is much harder than physical for physical will heal but verbal goes into the brain and if heard enough times you accept it as truth. Developing extreme low self teem, unworthiness, one gets tired of accomplishing the un-acceptable. My reaction as of now is to rewire my brain from a negative point of view to a positive. Undoing the thinking pattern that had been developed into checking every thought that passes through and rejecting the harmful ones.
Sexual abuse started with step-father, and then spread to trafficking until I decided to traffic myself, then I was in control and called the shots. Effects are to numerous to say, for it affected every area of my life. Love was a four letter word to me and did not apply, I could love but not receive affection, for I was told I was unlovable by my mother.
Sex was only a performance; one could have the body but not the soul, noboby realy wanted to know me, but then I did not even know myself. It was the only thing I was told I did well and everyone likes to be praised for something.
Nightmares never seem to cease and scars ran deep. My reaction came to “game over” – I had nothing to prove to anyone and I was tired of being used, abuse and cast aside. I seek one who wanted my mind as well as the body – I did not find any and stop looking.
Friends – I carry a very small circle and surround myself with only ‘save’ people. One does not know who their friends are until the going gets rough and then are surprise with whom went the distance with you.
Christians – can hurt you more than anyone for you do not expect offenses from them. It took me a lot of hard knocks to learn that they are just human beings that will make mistakes, even on my behalf, and grace was lacking in me. Not all believers are true Christians, even a drunk on the street well say he is one – I start examining the fruit and approach with collusion, or stayed as ‘the long ranger’. Now I am trying to show myself friendlier and see them through G-d’s eyes. G-d suggested that I could revisit those places and bless them and intercede for them. I have return to many places and walked the land, brushing off the residue and replacing the old with a new thought, praying for the release of the gifts, doing some identification repentance for the iniquity on the land, asking G-d to heal the spot of accumulated trauma.
Bottom line – I am removing anything that causes stress or pain from my life, which can include family, this old body can not endure any more. Over the years I could endure high leaves of pain, I had physical strength that was unbeatable, but life has taken its toil.
I was a victim, then a survivor, but now I am a thriver and running the race to the finish line. There are days I seem to be crawling and days I must be carried but never the less I am pushing forward and praying the latter part of my life to be filled with happyness and joy.
May I find true piece that passes all understanding the accept the true meaning of love when given. A broken hearted soul to be restored from what the cancer worm has eaten.
I am received deep healing and realignment of spirit, soul and body as my memories are brought into divine alignment.
Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.
I know that doing this will actually benefit the person who makes this prayer as much as it benefits prayee, I have seen it happen first hand.