Intimacy

I was told a story that keeps running through my head. I'm stepping completely out of character in sharing this with you. I'm not much of a story teller, so pray this will mean something to those who walking around with a broken heart. G-d is saying to you, "You are valuable to me - I do understand!"
Not everyone walks in or experiences deep emotional pain and if you are such a fortunate person, pass this to someone who is or has experienced it.
RELEASING THE BROKEN HEARTED SOUL
One night when the moon was at its peak I stood in the middle of a country driveway listening to a man praying for another. He was telling her to picture Y’Shua with her at the most unpleasant scene of her life. I patiently waited until he was finished and asked him what he meant by that. It just seemed bazaar to me - to picture Y’Shua there watching another suffering - definitely sick. The man with agape eyes still insisted it was a healing process.
His words haunted me for months after. I know him as a very Spirit-lead man and trusted in his sincerity but was sure he got off course on this one. Still the words lingered in my ears and when I'd see him from afar he still had those agape eyes which haunted me.
It finally bothered me enough to at least give it a try. So I laid my head down one night and tried to picture Y’Shua leaning against a wall - watching. This didn't bring me any comfort. So I rearranged the picture and had Him sitting on a soft comfortable chair - watching. This did not bring any peace. In fact it angered me and I shouted at Him. "Well are you enjoying this? Are you going to help me or just sit there?" I became frustrated and was sure the man didn't know what he was talking about or he just didn't give me enough information as to what Y’Shua was to be doing while in the picture. But my heat said "He told you right. Now you pretend you are
G-D and exchange places with Him. How would you handle it?"
Well I'm good at telling others what to do, so this sounds like a good idea. I became G-D and stood in the corner watching the affliction placed on My child. I was no longer the victim. There wasn't much I could do but I began to feel G-D's pain. I cried out for the child. I wanted to go to her but angels held me back. I felt holy anger that this was happening to an innocent little one. It was not what I wished for her life! But it rains on the just and the unjust. By now I was getting the idea of what it meant to put Y’Shua into the picture and once again we exchanged roles and I became the victim.
When the excruciating moment was over I crawled into a corner and looked up seeing G-D's eyes. The same agape eyes that man had. He started talking to me. Not with the quiet whispers in my ear; not with the impressions that usually motivated me, but through His eyes. We talked half the night. He said "Now that I've got your attention, hear me out. I was there when you were 7 years old. You saw Me and I hurt so much for you. I never wanted this to happen but I gave people free choice. I saw you crawl away and curl up into a ball. Your eyes staring off as you mentally started shutting doors and building walls. I cried out to you to look up to see Me but you withdrew inward.
Time passed and each time I called out to you. You accepted others opinion of yourself and when you would glance my way, you'd hang your head in shame, believing no one would love you. Everyone inflicted pain! Your emotions died. You no longer laughed or cried. All you could feel was anger which would turn into emptiness. The world says you have to be tough to survive and you were determined to survive.
We will not talk about the alterations of your afflictions but of My love for you. You couldn't receive My love so I sent your second grade teacher to you. Remember, she just brushed your hair and talked sweetly to you. That was My love. In the third grade the teacher walked half way home with you and gave you some costume jewelry. You were so thrilled and I felt delighted that you would accept it. When you were eleven, I sent one of My preachers to you. He patted your head every Sunday. You were starting to think that maybe some grownups were nice. I got you to step out and go to his house to talk to him and tell him what was happening in your life, but at the last minute you would dive into the bush to hide. I was attempting to free you but you were not ready.
See My child, you became so untouchable I had to send people in small ways to penetrate the exterior. You tried and tested each one to the max before you would allow them into your small circle. Inwardly you cried out for love and set out on a course of looking for it in all the wrong places.
Remember when you first went into a born again fellowship and felt love and saw Me rocking them. You became jealous and I held out My hand to you but your feeling of being unworthy pulled you away. Each time you came to watch Me comfort another, I held My hand out to you. I noticed each time you came nearer and stayed watching longer with longing eyes.
The day you aimed a gun at your accuser, Lucifer and I were both fiercely talking to you. Both trying to reason with you. I tell you all heaven rejoiced when you laid the gun down and walked away. You truly heard My voice, and choice the path of the straight and narrow.
You soon learned that not all so-called Christians walk with Me and became easily targeted. Yes, My child, you were wronged, but you hadn't learned to keep your eyes on Me and only Me. Your worth is only measured in My eyes and I tell you to yield to Me.
I placed you in a teaching and equipping church and you flourished. You ate, drank and slept in My word. You came in with praise and thanksgiving five days a week. You couldn't get enough of Me. We were making great progress but your heart still was well guarded.
I had a lady sing for you, "Tears are a Language That I Understand". You fought and fought the tears, but I overpowered you and started teaching you emotions besides anger. Many times you cried because you felt My presents. Many times you didn't understand your crying. I was just cleaning your thick inside hurts. Sometimes you cried out of shear agony, but it was a releasing experience. Sometimes you cried just to be in My presents. I bottled up each and every tear.
I switched you to a new body of believers. You bucked all the way. "A green horn," you yelled, but I knew the young preacher would teach you the basics you always managed to jump over; love and joy. He made you memorize "who can separate you from My love?". He irritated you and you stomped all around him, but I knew he would not budge. I also knew you would give him more rope than any other man. All your screaming and yelling wasn't going to do you any good and his "puppy dog look" as you called it, haunted you. You were loosing ground. Your control was being broken. My child, you must stay here until you learn this lessen. Don't fight so hard. Trust Me, for I do love you. Your a hard learner, but once you grasp it, you've really got it.
You ran to five preachers to ask "What does the joy of the L-rd mean?" No one gave you an answer to satisfy your searching. So I sent you an intellect man that spoke your language. He told you "because the world can be rough and tough on you, it's only the joy of knowing the L-rd that keeps you hanging in there and giving you strength." You understood and the heavenly hose rejoiced.
Many things happened, I have only to mention a few to show you I was there with you each and every day, showing My love for you."
I gazed into His eyes good and for quite some time, letting it all sink in. I saw His tears, felt His presence and now that I know that; Yes! I believe He really loved me. He reached out His hands as I slowly inched my way closer to Him. Do I dare? Fear set in. What if...time stood still. Those
eyes, those incredible eyes. A tear trickled down the corner of His eye and He whispered, "please, let Me love you." My heart broke, for the Man was crying for me. I fell into His arms and we held each other with a firm grip. I felt strength and weakness at the same time. We laughed and we cried; the angels were rejoicing. Beautiful lights came from nowhere. He reached down and swept me up in His arms and carried me to a large, old fashion, wooden rocker that was perfectly made for us and He rocked me. Stroking my hair and kissing away my tears, all the time telling me He loved me. Soaking it all in, melting in His arms, the pain started to fade and I could glance up to Him and say "A-b-b-a, Abba I love you so much. and I'm sorry I assumed man's opinion of me as Your opinion, forgive me."
Now I walk a little straighter, a little more sure of myself because I know what my Father thinks of me. Oh no, I haven't arrived but I'm on the right path. Now I have a Friend that lets me crawl up on His lap any time the going gets tough.
One long tiring night I crawled, exhausted onto His lap to tell Him all about my day. He just let me talk on and on while He rocked me. I was telling Him how happy I was finding a Friend, receiving and giving Him love, but His people were killing me. They try to knock my feet out from under me every chance I allowed. That green horn preacher even stated "you can't give out what you haven't got"--concerning love. Always a put down.
The corners of His mouth turned up into a cute, little smile and He said, "Speaking of that, there's something I wanted to tell you. I do enjoy our time together, sharing this love, but I have a family and I want you to learn to love My family."
I just gave him one of those looks and He threw His head back and laughed. When collected Himself, He said, "tell you what, work at trusting Me in them." Well it didn't sound like an easy task, but I do love him and I knew He would be with me always, so I agreed to try.
We're not making fast progress but I'm still trying - slowly stepping out - inching my way closer. It is scary, but I'm not alone anymore and I can always run back to that old faithful rocker. He even told me He had a purpose for me. Me? Me! Once I learn to trust Y’Shua in people I would blossom like a rose. He told me that many of His children are hurting; deep emotional hurts. I was given His hurt for them. I understand their pain, loneliness and unworthiness because I've walked in their shoes. I would be used to reach in and touch their souls. I would lead them out of their walls and isolation and show them the way to the rocking chair. Tell them, "Y’Shua loves you. He was with you through it all. It was not his plan for this to happen to you.
He was angry when it happened. P-L-E-A-S-E let Him love you. Do not worry about what you need to "get right", just receive His love and all the other things will eventually fall into place. He has a purpose for you, too.
Start by picturing Y’Shua in your most painful moment and memorize, "who can separate you from G-D's love?" Think about the good things G-D has sent your way, for he has sent you angels unaware."
I fell asleep on a tear stained pillow but woke up feeling lighter and yes, maybe just a little happier.